I think I just saw someone hide a body.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
