Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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