im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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