my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Randomize
