totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
