I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
