just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
