I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
