I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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