jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
