You can't special order awesome
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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