did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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