Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
