Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
