I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
