happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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