If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
