Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
