Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
