she looked like the bat from fern gully.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
