I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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