why didn't you poke me back
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
