i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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