life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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