a queef is a wish your heart makes.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Send help, water and tortillas.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
