2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
