I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
