I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We named our party play list daddy issues
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
