So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
