or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
