So drunk, too bad you don't want this
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
