Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
