so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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