Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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