You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
