I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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