She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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