I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
