When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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