Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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