Can Purell be used as lube?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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