battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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