Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I think I just sharted jello shots
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
