Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
you guys were way drunker than both of me
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
