My underwear smells like fireworks.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
