my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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