She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
