There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
How's work?
Spinning.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
