She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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