: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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