Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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