I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
