you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
