so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
