Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
