Your face is a jimmy john
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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