The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
